Abe Goodman
The gay staff writers over at the sodomy megaolpolis Queerty.com must be prophets. They accurately predicted my excitement over recent news that too much power bottoming is now scientifically proven to lead to cancer. For my gay friends and readers, I am sorry to break this news to you. But the way I look at it is that just like the surgeon general tells pregnant women not to smoke because it can cause cancer, the Soul General (Jesus) is telling gays to stop having such copious amounts of sweaty, heaving swashbuckling sessions with each other’s taut or hair bodies. It’s all wrong, especially if you’re the one on the bottom.
You see, there are varying degrees of being gay. Please see my scientific diagram below:
[tabgroup][tab title=”The Sliding Scale of Gay”]Please browse the tabs for my analysis.[/tab][tab title=”Class 1: Subtle Gay”]This is your friend who has sparkling blue eyes, perfect physique, is single (important, i.e., no man this pretty has to be without a woman), dresses nicely and does not eat any of the ranch and wings at the Super Bowl party. Instead, he may help your wife clean up in the kitchen and he likes to give you affectionate hugs. He seems well enough, but you perhaps had an accidental fantasy dream about his soft features and there is nothing wrong with that since you cannot control your dreams.[/tab][tab title=”Class 2: The Office Gay”]The Class 2 gay, The Office gay, is bookish in his homosexual knowledge and wisdom. Methodical, precise and calculating, this gay is drawn to careers such as nursing, teaching and high-end accounting. You will also see these types of gays routinely excel in law, writing and even being professors. These gays all have a relaxed look about them as they get older, perhaps reminscent of a casual evening of a beach strolling Antonio Carolos Jobim posing for an artsy black and white photo before going off to write some class bossa nova chord progressions on a warm Brazil evening.[/tab][tab title=”Class 3: The All Outer”]This gay is very eccentric, throwing lavish parties and proudly embracing the gay accent. These gays are usually fit and are connoisseurs of eclectic homosexual tastes. They usually identify as tops or bottoms (the bottoms being the ones at the most health risk). Tops are usually ‘less gay’, since they are rarely on the receiving end. But the bottoms focus their life on pleasuring their ‘bubba bear’ and such, instantly making them the gayest one of all. [/tab][/tabgroup]
My gay friends and readers, please look into this study and keep this in mind as you throw your wild, crazy and fun Halloween parties tonight. Sure, it may be fun to say you took the long poke from some guy dressed up as Gumby, but you have to think about your future health. Blessings upon you and be safe.
Writing note: Hey Abe Goodman, check out this link about a new study done in Montreal. This news is better than a buttery t-bone steak and a side of mashed potatoes, make sure to cover this in your writing assignments for today. It can be a good education piece for our gay readers, hopefully it can save some of their lives. – JG
