in

What is your Coronavirus apocalypse survivor personality type?

In history books a hundred years from now, future generations of students will look back on the ancient times of 2020 to see how we — the people — overcame and survived one of the worst global catastrophes in human history.

Armed with only instant communication at our fingertips, stockpiled grocery stores filled with clerks who will do your shopping and digitized picture memes and trillions of hours of skin flicks, humanity faces its darkest, most uncertain hour and everyone is in full survival mode.

The annals of history will judge your coronavirus apocalypse personal type in the future but this quiz will tell you your survival type right now.  Make sure to share with your friends.

  • Question of

    When 9/10 doctors cite official research and insist on a scientific fact, they are…

    • Full of Shit
    • For the love of humanity, please stay home and listen to the medical professionals not named Dr. Oz.
    • For the Love of Humanity, stay home and listen to the medical professionals (not named Dr. Oz)
    • We are all doomed, my aunt and several idiot parents in my PTA group are sharing memes saying to inject UV in your ass and Clorox enemas.
    • I am white, I have perfect vitals and if this pandemic is over by July 10th I can maybe still keep that sweet trip to Cabo I scored for deep discount on Expedia.com
    • telling me what new medicines I need to buy in bulk every day this week, from whichever stores are open right now.
    • hopefully extending the stay at home order. I got some new fence to put up out back and maybe will install a kiddy pool for my dogs.
    • saying what I’ve been saying all along. The Chinese ate bats, got sick, were researched in labs and now the COVID-19 virus is rampaging through the human genome.
    • I did not watch the conference. I did take some Nyquil, took a nap and will drink some coffee after I sit in the tub and play a few online games.
  • Question of

    Your state governor tells you to go out to buy only essential supplies. What is your shopping list?

    • More guns, ammo, markers, posterboard, jerky, hydroxychloroquine, Clorox, Cabella gift card
    • Food, water, N95 masks
    • Beer, not none of that craft crap though.
    • Not ibuprofen, not any surface that was in China within the last week, no unwashed anything.
    • For fucks sake, why does the Walmart parking lot look like black Friday?
    • If I also buy all the coffee filters and stitch them together buy twos, I can have an additional source of two-ply toilet paper to add to my stash.
    • Holy crap, why is Lowes making us line up like it is Noah’s arc. I just need 20 more 2×4 and 50 bags of quickcrete for this side project.
    • Cat food. Check. Human food. Check. Caffeine/Ibuprofen. Check.
  • Question of

    This Saturday is going to be a warm 80 degree day with a gentle breeze. What are you doing?

    • Get my clothes ready for church tomorrow, plan a big picnic and I will STORM THE CAPITOL BUILDING IF THOSE OBAMA LIVING DEMOCRATS DARE TO TAKE MY FREEDOM TO ASSEMBLE! MAGA!
    • Sleep. I worked 4 12s this week. I am exhausted. I wish I could get on social media and threaten to shove a catheter clean through anyone who dares not follow protocol then come coughing their way into my next shift.
    • Go to Lowes. Buy firepit stone and kit. Build firepit. It will be October again soon enough and we need two firepits out back.
    • Only 53 degrees more and the heat would kill the coronavirus for good.
    • If I tow a pallet to the farmer’s market, I can buy every plant and put it in my garden. That will eventually double or triple my food supply and it regenerates automatically.
    • Great, this Saturday every public park will be an orgy of breath particles wildly flailing and stewing among everyone’s nostrils at a moist 80 degrees.
    • Nice. I will call Chip up and see if he wants to go hit some golf balls while our kids ride their bikes around the cul-de-sac.
    • Sit on my porch/balcony. Read book, enjoy breeze. Go back inside and look out window until night comes.
  • Question of

    President Trump walks into your house and wants you to volunteer to immediately roll up your sleeve and take his ‘absolute gamechanger’ cure for cornavirus. What are you doing?

    • My savior has come to cure me. Both of my arms are extended at his command.
    • I wore my PPE for so long it cut my oxygen levels to the point of hallucination.
    • No soliciting means no soliciting. Go or I’m calling the cops.
    • I bet all my dumbass neighbors who have been throwing driveway barbeques already took whatever this huckster is selling.
    • I have not seen any anecdotal evidence on Reddit.com or any online forums yet. Not even on my FB newsfeed.
    • Are these just samples, or can I buy more? Do you have square?
    • No.
    • If you come back later this evening, I’ll have my new door and locks installed.
  • Question of

    What were you most likely wearing on any given day the past week?

    • Hat, glasses, camo vest, themed shirt/tshirt, blue jeans, combat boots, gun.
    • Whatever clean, disinfected clothes I can find after my last grocery store run.
    • Scrubs, hopefully some PPE.
    • T shirt, panties/boxers. Cat to give extra warmth as needed.
    • Mask. The coronavirus particles can seep into your house.
    • Shirt. Pants. Tools.
    • As if it were the age of the Bubonic plague, I’ve taken liberty to make a beak mask out of my daughter’s leftover hats from last year’s birthday party. It will go over the hand sewn cotton mask that blocks under 50% of virus particles and it will work just as poorly now as it did then, because no matter what people will not stay the hell home.
    • Shorts/bikini. Went ahead and cleaned the pool early. Tans/beer/bbq for a few weeks isn’t so bad. Just got to get some work from home done first.
  • Question of

    Some coughs and sneezes within your six feet bubble. How do you handle it?

    • Lysol. Bam! Holy Oil. Bam! Baptize in a tub of alcohol. Bam!
    • Need to immediately get all the OJ, whatever tylenol and fabric from the craft store.
    • Aw, my cat’s allergies are flared. Where is her benadryl?
    • Just great. Now I’ll have to set a telephone visit with my doctor or Lesleigh is going to worry the kids will get sick.
    • That is the third patient today. How do we have such an advanced society, but these people just cannot stay home and they were never taught the concept of cover your cough?
    • Ehh. I should have enough sawdust in my nostrils to filter it out.
    • If it gets caught on the right air current, it could travel the globe in two weeks.
    • Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! On today’s show, a normal every day person beats the living snot out of a mouth breathing, non-masked person who never learned manners.

Written by Gene Fairbanks

Delivering crisp and professional journalism to the world.

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Loading…

0

Trump Knew About the Coronavirus Cure All Along

Ask America: Can A N95 or Surgical Mask Protect My Son From Catching Homosexuality?