Annabelle Goodman
During an already suspect (more on that later) World Series game 7 that pitted the gay-friendly and perhaps drug-induced San Francisco 49ers against the underdog and beloved Kansas City Royals, there was an extra flair of unbelievable flirting going on as commentators could not contain their libido as they did play-by-play cat-calling for pitcher Madison Bumgarner.
Royals fans instantly took to Twitter and Facebook to complain about the unprecedented levels of platonic mancrushing unleashed by the commentators. LourdeLourdeImARoyalsFan85 tweeted, “Joe Buck is dry humping Bumgarner’s bum with his words! WTF!” while other commentary on the social networks expressed ire and outrage as not only were the Giants playing dirty, they were also being shown favoritism from the umpires and the commentators. Then there was the question of a man named Hunter Pence.
Analysis: Giants Very Suspicious Game 7 Victory in World Series
Exhibit A: Hunter Pence
{adinserter 2}If Billy Butler is ‘Country Breakfast’, then Hunter Pence is ‘Mountain Dew’.
No matter what pitcher he was staring down, it was impossible to stare at the huge, hulking body of Hunter Pence and not think he looked like a created-player in a EA Game.
With this mountain man look, it is easier to assume Pence would be more comfortable chopping down trees with an ax than swinging pieces of refined lumber at a tiny ball.
No matter the case, it is obvious that his energy levels were beyond normal for this game. Suspicions are that this buxom pitcher may have gotten his hands on some San Francisco’s version of Honey Boo Boo’s ‘Go-Go’ juice, a popular drink all throughout the city that is made by an exclusively gay company.
Gay men are well known for their unusually high levels of energy and intense endurance, so you mix that with a wild mountain man who has trained his body to Olympian levels, and you get metahuman Hunter Pence hulking over the plate and nearly jumping out of his shoes with excitement as he stares down a relatively scrawny pitcher operating at mere human levels.
Exhibit B: Dirty Pitching Designed to Injure Salvador Perez, So That He Would Be Weakened Before Madison Bumgarner Entered the Game
The second tier of the Giants’ dirty play involved injuring Royals catcher Salvador Perez. Through the series, Perez has proven to be an excellent catcher, able to hit off Bumgarner and provide vital offense for the Royals. The Giants obviously wanted Perez weakened before they put in Madison Bumgarner, so they ordered one of their peon pitchers to throw a fastball right into Perez’s leg.
Exhibit C: Madison Bumgarner
We can only guess the commentators from last night hoped a drunken Bumgarner would stumble upon them, body exhausted from the World Series and morals misguided by the unholy nectars of Satan. Perhaps he would take them back to his hotel for a drunken scrum in the sack, so they could scream “Oh, Bumgarner! You are the greatest!”
Not since John Madden verbally flirted with Brett Favre on a weekly basis, or perhaps even more classically, Dick Vitale hitting on the Duke Blue Devil himself, have we seen grown men hitting on a young, upcoming hall-of-famer as much as last night.
