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After President Trump’s Finished Destroying Iran, What Should America Do With All the Oil?

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President Trump brought American freedom to Iran by bombing its top general and taunting the Iranian government on Twitter, letting them know that you and the rest of America are ready to bring them freedom vis-a-vis war.

3,000 troops have been deployed and Iranian officials have vowed revenge. President Trump sits with phone in hand, planning strategic Twitterstrikes that are sure to enrage Iran to the point of attack.

As the Middle East should have learned by now, when America invades it will always win. And when we win — just like we did right here in the United States when we brought freedom to the Native Americans — we help the people learn how to use the natural resources they weren’t using right.

For the natives, it was things like corn –which they didn’t know they could use as a cheaply grown product that could be sold for exuberant prices to ensure profits for those who deserve it. And in the Middle East, time and time again the government fails to understand how their oil should be priced and used.

If President Trump is smart, which he is, perhaps the smartest president to ever hold office, then he should skip all the formalities and let Iran know we will be taking control of their oil fields. We can then use the oil wealth to bring the wonderful people of Iran into modern times. Just imagine it: halal McDonalds, every home with running water, a computer, electricity and a mortgage to a nice bank and freedom.

All of the OPEC nations really need to enjoy freedom like this. America is its strongest when it gets back to its traditional Republican values. Not fighting here in the nation, not trying its best to get rid of illegal Mexicans. Face it: we all need each other to be strong (our cross culture is our strength and why we have been the best at every industry, from tech to Olympic sports). America is the best when we’re bombing the shit out of other nations and working together to do it. And getting their oil.

It’s time to return to 90s-era GOP values if we are truly going to be great again. The military is our true strength and our unity comes when we’re fighting over ethics in what we’re doing in foreign lands, not screwing over people here at home. It’s truly them against us, all of us. So let’s unify behind Trump and go get our oil!

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