Gene Fairbanks
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Agnostic gays are often characterized as cynical or wishy-washy fence sitters who refuse to make up their minds about their homosexuality. But what many people refuse to realize is that there is much more to agnostic homosexuality than frustrating confusion and indecision.
Many men are actively wrestling with their homosexuality, struggling against waxing and waning urges to seek foreign testosterone from the loins of another man. When wives close their eyes at night, comforted by their man’s strong hands and thoughts of their three kids together, little do many know a startling new statistic: for every 100 men, 48 are secretly or agnostic gay.
Is your man a gay agnostic? This pressing question is one that must be asked in this new age. Every man has some degree of latent homosexuality, but new environmental, sociological and perhaps even sinister government experiments are colluding to change a man’s typical control of homosexual urges.
While many wives may start to suspect their husband has dubious devotion to their marriage, gay partners and spouses, beware. Do not think you are off the hook. Agnostic gays can easily fall into a homosexual relationship, struggling to balance his heterosexual/homosexual yin and yang, a black and white battle that leaves their true nature hidden beneath the veil of shame and secrecy.
Their loving attention to their gay partner’s well sculpted and fierce pectoral muscles could betray a yearning for the soft, supple cushion of a buxom woman’s mammalian ludicrosities. After performing anonymous street interviews of individuals in the gay districts of Greater Buloxi, Atlanta, Los Angeles and New York, I’ve compiled sample data to create a guide to understanding this new concept of Gay Agnostics and hopefully shedding light on the question, Is Your Man Agnostic Gay?
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[list_item]1. Your Man Claims He Is Straight, But Cooks Gay Foods+[/list_item]
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Many man who struggle with homosexuality try to hide their urges behind grizzly beards and muscle-bound bravado.
Do not let outward appearances fool you: homosexuality can reveal itself in how a man prepares a meal for guests. Expert chef Simon Doonan brings excellent attention to this trait of gay agnostics. If you find your husband gets fussy over meals, fretting about minutia of cooking and presentation, he is actually fighting internal homosexuality.
[list_item]2. Does not have convincing baritones when singing hymns at church[/list_item]
Some men naturally ‘pitch’ the voice up, much as you would do when speaking to a baby. But instead of innocently asking baby, “Who is Daddy’s little Pookie Bear?”, a husband skeptical about his sexuality will bring that light-toned voice into every day life.
“Hi, honey!” he will likely exclaim to you in a sing-song tone, on a regular basis. If you listen closely, you may hear younger males referring to him as a ‘douche’, because he always sounds so upbeat, peppy and feminine. In actuality, your husband does not even realize he is so deeply desiring homosexuality, he is making his voice feminine as a sign of presenting himself as a virile female for a dominant alpha male.
[list_item]3. “Accidentally” leaves his ‘pleasure toys’ on the sink when a maid or his conservative family is visiting[/list_item]
This is no accident, it is actually a repressed cry for help.
[list_item]4. Gets overly excited about restoring goods found at garage sales[/list_item]
[list_item]5. Puts one hand into the pants when watching television.[/list_item]
This is a sign of classic homosexuality. You may catch your spouse or partner enthralled with Food Network’s Chopped or ogling the firm backsides of the Property Brothers on HGTV. While watching the show, he will inevitably slip one hand down into his pants or boxers without realizing it, just letting it awkwardly rest there without movement.
No words need be spoken if you see this. It simply means your man subconsciously desires the hand of another man in his pants.
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