Abe Goodman
Women who wear yoga pants should be ashamed of themselves. Not only do yoga pants demean a woman’s body and objectify female anatomy, but they also ruin marriages and pervert college children’s perception of decency.
To bring this story close to home, we interviewed former college student Bradley Eubanks. ‘Radical Bradical’ as his friends called him entered college, the son of a pastor and venture capitalist. Brad’s life was good: he was on the dean’s list, studying medicine and planned to do Doctor’s Without Borders after graduating from medical school. All his life, Eubanks wanted to practice Christ’s example of charity by bringing quality healthcare to the poor and needy.
But Brad’s hopes and dreams were destroyed one fateful night after a late night lab his sophomore year of college. Brad painfully recaps under the condition of anonymity how he went to his local gym to get some food, when he ran into a group of three women who just finished a workout at the local fitness club. They were wearing yoga pants. And they were all married.
[adinserter name=”bigsky”]Brad’s encounter with yoga pants took place in a Kroger’s parking lot. As he opened the door to his car he was suddenly the subject of catcalling. Next to him, a group of ‘three women, maybe in their late 30s to early 40s’ were whistling at him.
Brad laughed and was just going to get into his car, but the women approached and started doing all sorts of ‘yoga poses and stretches in the pants’.
Brad was instantly thrown into a trance ‘of which I could not break’. When the blur of confusion was over, Brad found himself waking up sweaty and exhausted in the bedroom of one of the women. She had used her tight, toned body in yoga pants to seduce his young male mind.
[adinserter block=”1″]All over the nation, young men and married men like Brad are being victimized by women who wear these seductive yoga pants all around. Yoga pants are meant to torment men and force them to see perfectly sculpted legs, thighs and glutes. Women who wear these pants are not doing it for comfort: everyone knows cotton knit sweatpants are the most comfortable pants in which one may exercise.
Yoga pants women are using Eastern trickery (in India, yoga is the word for Kabuki prostitute) to cast a spell on the moral soul of a man. It is next to impossible to not notice the salacious curves of women when they wear these indecent clothing pieces out in public.
As for Brad, he felt guilty because he found out the woman who seduced him with her yoga pants was married. Her husband was away for business. She called Brad a few weeks later to tell him she was pregnant and she was ‘going to keep the baby, but tell her husband the child’s was his’.
Brad could not recover from the guilt and dropped out of college, turned to hard drugs like coke and marijuana and still lives homeless in Santa Monica, where he was recently arrested after the city passed a strict homeless ordinance.
From an aspiring doctor to a homeless jailed marijuana addict with a illegitimate son being raised by some hapless business man: these are accounts of what yoga pants do to the lives of men.
As a nation, we must join forces with the Montana legislature and take these harpy clothing items off the market. Just like négligées should not be a part of public clothing, neither should yoga pants.
