Caught This Little Shit Trying To Evolve, Threw It Right Back In The Water


My dear friends, it seems the horde atheists of Obama have evolved a fish with teeth!  I thank goodness that there was a soul from who caught these little bastard trying to evolve AGAINST GOD ante threw it right back in the water!

Mark my words, Satan lives nothing better than some collard greens, hot sauce and a little fish fry!  This little demon fish is surely being eaten up in hell tonither.

Here is the back story:


After watching Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, I quickly realized that humanity must do all it can to keep animals in their place.  You give them a chance at evolution and they will wildly bay toward the heavens as they literally monkey stomp all over our civilization.  So thank heavens Redditor Puromichoacan did their duty for mankind and threw this audacious, sly fish back into the water where it belongs.

In a well received post, Puro lays out the scenario in very eloquent terms:

Caught this little shit trying to evolve. Threw him right back in the water.

Since I’m a Pokemon fan and do believe humanity is damned foolish if we think there’s not a chance other species on this planet cannot gain our level of sentience or beyond, I had to ponder what the hell would it be like if fine Redditors were not out there keeping these animals in their place?

1.  What if Fish Evolved Beyond Man?



So let us start with scenario number one.  Sitting at home all nice and comfy in your boxers with one hand Al-Bundying down the pants and the other casually sipping a coke as you browse the internet, you think a man throwing a fish that is trying to evolve back into the lake may not seem such a big deal.

But look above at that picture and say that.  That is the Pacu fish, one of the few fish in the animal kingdom that has evolved human-like teeth.  And what does the Pacu Fish do with those teeth?  Behold and use your Bundy hand to gird your loins, because they are going to shrivel in fear:

Fishermen refer to the fish as the “Ballcutter” or even “testicle-ripper”.  The fish, which can get up to 55 pounds, has been known to savagely attack men down below, viciously biting and flailing until the man dies by drowning in a bloody mess of agony and defeat.

Now if you were to put legs on that Pacu fish, you could never go walking or swimming without fear again.


2.  What if house cats evolved beyond man?

Oh, just wait until I evolve some thumbs, hooman.  Then we can have some nice filet-mignon. 

Now many would argue that cats have already evolved beyond mankind.  Think about it:  they come and go as they please, teabag you at their pleasure at 1:27 am, dare you to question their using your laptop as heating therapy and force you to clean their toilet at least once a week.  Some guy in Snellville, Georgia, right now is trying to figure out if his cat is Jefferson Davis reborn.  It “don’t take kindly to them ‘hoomans’” having freedom beyond serving it.

On a serious note, let’s consider one thing:  a cat generally hunts and eats anything smaller than itself that is not a cat.   The only reason your cat has not eaten you is that you are too big and are a willing servant of its court.  Otherwise, it would probably eat you the second you left its food bowl sitting empty for 3 seconds too long.

A recent study in 2013 found that on average, domestic cats kill 20.7 billion smaller animals and 4 billion birds a year.  Another study found that cats, when left to their own vices and allowed to roam, will spend over 1/3 of the day killing animals for fun, not necessarily due to hunger.

Cats also seem to lack one key cognitive function that seems move expressed in dogs:  propensity to make friends.

3.  What If Dogs Evolved Beyond Humans?

The dog brain shows growing inclination to befriend humans and follow commands.  If you have a dog, you can likely call it to you at this very moment and it will excitedly jump about and wait for you to pet it, no matter what it is doing.

This is because in general (though not as pronounced in some species) a dog’s brain is wired for making social connections.  Scientists at Oxford University found that due to the social nature of dogs within human societal constructs, dogs with higher brain capacity (and larger brains) are favored and go on to reproduce.  Dogs have shown a steady evolutionary trend into becoming ‘smarter’ and readily able to adopt to increasingly diverse family dynamics.

Get a new pet?  A dog will be more inclined to immediately recognize the new pet as a member of the family.  There is a reason why there are endless videos of dogs looking terrified as the family cat blocks its access from a staircase or bowl of water.  In the dog’s mind:  “Why is this weird looking member of the family and friend of mine being a dick and trying to stab me with its little death sabers.”

If dogs were to evolve on a level of cognition equal to mankind, we’d likely have a good ally and friend.  Nothing like what we saw pan out in the classic Planet of the Apes.

What do you think?

Written by Abe Goodman

Champion of American values and spreading morality to the unsaved world. And if you don't like that, you can just get out of my country smart-alack.


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