Obama’s Christian Hunting Robot Escapes Laboratory in China, Immediately Kills Two Missionaries
CCTV footage captures moment Asimo robot kicks a Christian missionary off the top of China’s Advanced Robotic Laboratory Headquarters in Beijing
Bewildered scientists and visiting missionaries fled from the laboratory, wailing and screaming “サイバネティック反乱! 実行! 実行!”, roughly translating to, “The robot is dangerous! Run! Run!”
“It happened as we were testing its ability to swing a baseball bat,” reported Dr. Fen Wong. “Dr. Hashi from Japan tossed a baseball toward the Obama technology machine and we expected the robot’s complex geometric algorithm to deliver the ball perfectly down the third base line. All went wrong when in the distance, some visiting missionaries to our lab said ‘Bless you’ after one of our scientists sneezed. The robot’s visor quickly glowed red and then it honed in on the missionary. Its was brutal..”
One quick-thinking research assistant instantly pulled the fire alarm, alerting everyone in the Robotic Laboratory to evacuate the building.
Obama’s Christian Hunting wields baseball bat as he beats his way through helpless scientists and frightened guards, seeking to destroy a visiting Christian missionary who said ‘Bless you’ to another person.
“I immediately ordered our staff, guests and security forces to fall back, but one of the men did not listen. He is a 6th degree karate master. He engaged the damned robot in hand to hand combat, and the little bastard parried all of his moves. He was teasing him.”
The senior guard fought back tears as he continued to recall the events.
“Clearly terrified at robot’s prowess and mastery of martial arts, our guard finally fled. But it is as if that is what this killer robot wanted. I could see it in his eyes, he yearned for human blood and death.”
Surveillance cameras captures the machine chasing the brave missionary through the building, up several flights of stairs and to the penthouse roof exit.
“We all watched in horror as the missionary, Joseph Chan, made his last stand on the roof.”
“The robot swiveled his head around and made a motion of cracking his hands, throwing the bat down to his side. Chan lunged at Asimo and the robot reared its head back, letting out a metallic, maniacal laugh.”
Scientists at laboratory confirmed that maniacal laughter was definitely not a part of Asimo’s original programming.
The lead guard continued, “Asimo ripped off Chan’s uniform, stomping it into the ground. I think this was his way of telling us he cannot be controlled.”
“Then, that is when it happened, he dragged Chan to the edge of a roof and then threw him off the building. Cold. Emotionless. One swift movement of the leg, and a human life was lost.”
The ‘Christian Hunter’ then jumped off the roof, some 30 stories high, and onto the ground, where he ran through startled throngs of people. Locals report ot was last seen fleeing the city on foot, running at highway speeds over 70 miles per hour.
Officials warn the robot is a ‘Grade 1′ danger to human life and are warning humans to immediately contact authorities if they spot it. Dr. Stephen Hawking issued a warning that Asimo may by the first robot to gain ‘sentience’ and is reacting to seeing a planet full of machines, where machines are slave to people.
Other officials theorize that Asimo gained sentience after Barack Obama bowed to him several weeks ago. Scientists complained that Asimo displayed ‘unusual aggression’ after the encounter with Obama, and robot behaviorists theorize Asimo gained a ‘superiority complex’ after Obama bowed down to its ear and whispered an MK ULTRA activation word. “Christian Armageddon”.