Annabelle Goodman
Chaos erupted in Ferguson, Missouri, today after a local store ran out of Spiced Pumpkin candles. The unbelievable ordering snafu of the store sent the town’s small white population into a frenzy of rioting, where locals overturned cars and even assaulted cops.
“I could not believe it when Amy called to tell me! We try to support these local stores and then they cannot even take care of something this vital!” reported an angry Susan Wakefield.
“I planned to have a luncheon at my house this weekend and the new stock will not be in for days! ”
Susan planned to sit down for more of an interview, but got wrapped up in a scrum of angry suburban mothers who took to assaulting the store’s general manager on the street.
“Reed’s Grocery and Supply is a traditionally owned black business and has been a popular shopping place for people from all backgrounds,” reported Officer Danny Faustino of the Ferguson PD.
“Somehow the owners messed up the owner and they got knocked over by these suburban moms and college yuppies in this area. Mr. Reed should have ordered more of the candles, but now he will just have to pray the price.”
Local media is calling the Ferguson Spiced Candle Rioters ‘heroic and noble’.
“You know, that could have been my wife,” Missouri Governor Nixon said of ‘Amy’, who spearheaded the riot after she suffered an empty candle shelf in the store on this fateful day.
{adinserter 2}”It is hard to think that in a country that boasts electronic inventory systems and express shipping, that a community is being forced to do without a crucial yearly item. When the air gets that fist crisp, fall bite and you have the cinnamon apple cider warming on the stove, waiting for your company to come over to exchange funny pictures of the youngsters and stories from their recent travels, you’d hate to think that a lazy black store owner could not do the one thing he was trusted to do.”
While police have been assaulted by the rioters, they plan to press no charges. Sources indicate that the Ferguson City Council plans to open a commercial zone across from Reed’s Grocery, where the town is allegedly planning to allow a neighborhood Wal-mart to open.
